WWTK

It's HUMP DAY and I've decided to play WWTK! It's a bunch of nosey questions that some bloggers want everyone to answer so they can stalk you.


So here are the questions:

Everyone seems to have a quirky family situation-- what is something unique about your family dynamic?

We're all Indians. Well, technically we're only part Indian, and none of us are registered. So the US Government doesn't recognize us as being Indians. Apparently Dad's great-great grandfather refused to register and left the reservation in Oklahoma to move across the river to Arkansas. It's a long story involving a land dispute, a shootout, and running from the law. So anyway, gimme back my land, white man!


What is the most stressful aspect to blogging (aside from the network going down)?
The most stressful aspect of blogging is when I haven't written anything in awhile and I feel the need to write something, only I have no inspiration at all. Some of those forced posts are the best I've ever written. Many are the worst.


We all end up on a blog at some point in our day, but name your top 3 favorite websites you flock to daily (non blog)!
Yahoo, Gmail, Facebook


What’s your sign? Believe in it or not, does any part ring true to you?
They tell me I'm an aquarius, and then they turn around and say that the planets have moved and so I have to be something else. Then they say it was all a joke and really I'm a No U-turn. Whatever, all I know is that research does seem to indicate that the season you were born in matters with regard to certain aspects of your personality, such as overall tendency towards happiness or depression. And I know that things which affect Earth's magnetic field and other environmental factors most definitely affect all of us because people are real jackasses in traffic on days when funky things are happening, such as earthquakes, a cold snap, or the moon colliding with the Earth. People always get bitchy on those days and drive like mental patients. And then I am forced to shoot them all.


IceCream!! ICECREAM!! We all scream for icecream! Name your favorite flavor/brand! (Its hot here, can't help it)
I like several, although I don't eat them very often. Mint Chocolate chip or Rocky Road are my top two. But I won't turn down some chocolate fudge either.


BONUS QUESTIONS
A. Name the blog you credit for linking up with us today?
Lightning Bug's Butt showed me the way to this. So blame him when I stay too long and won't go home.

B. Suggest a question you want to see in future WWTK’s!
Um, how about "what's the worst thing anyone has ever done or tried to do to you during sex and how did you react to it?"



And now, further proof that Japan is the weirdest nation on earth ...

ABC

A. Age:
Old enough to know crazy when I see it and steer clear. Winning! Tiger blood!

B. Bed size:
Big enough for me and one other, but no damn animals

C. Chore you Hate:
Replacing the rear brakes on an old car with drums
Fixing the toilet
Chasing moles and voles around the yard
Shooting the armadillos
Fixing the roof
and so many more

D. Dogs:
Some days I'm the dog, some I'm the master, and sometimes I'm just picking up dog's poop while walking in the park using those little plastic baggy things. It's hard to get too high on yourself while picking up dog poop. And I can only just imagine what the dog is thinking. "WTF? I left that there on purpose. Now how are other dogs going to get my secret poo-encoded message? I guess I'll have to bark the message all night tonight while he's asleep and hope the other dogs can hear me."

E. Essential start to your day:
I can't remember mornings, let alone do them. I randomly awake at my desk, working, or on weekends, on the couch in front of the TV watching "Top Gear"

F. Favorite color:
White girls

G. Gold or silver:
Am I buying or selling? I prefer gold, but at nearly $1500 an ounce I haven't been indulging this habit much lately.

H. Height:
6 feet on the dot. I don't know what that is in centimeters and I don't give a damn. You can Google a converter if you're curious, but I'm too lazy to do it.

I. Instruments you play:
My penis.
I used to play piano, barely.
And then guitar. Then I put my guitar down, along with my artist's pencils, and didn't pick it up again for many years. Now I have a brand new Fender acoustic and I'm trying to relearn all the things I've long since forgotten.



J. Job title:
Doucheblogger

K. Kids:
No, I don't want any goats. We live in a neighborhood and the neighbors would frown on that.

L. Live:
I prefer recorded in a studio to live. Most live albums aren't very good. And you notice how many people bitched about the live performance of the Black Eyed Peas at the Superbowl this year? They bitched about the live performance of the Rolling Stones last year, too. But they also bitched when performers were caught lip syncing to prerecordings at previous Superbowls, so its like, what the hell do you people want, live and real or prerecorded and perfect? You can't have both!

M. Mum's name:
I call her Ma. I'm sure her Ma named her something else, but I don't use that name

N. Nicknames:
Cunt
Douchebag
Asshole
Stalker
Psycho-Steve
Memphis
Hey you, you have to pay for that!

O. Overnight hospital stays:
I can't remember. I've had surgeries on my knees, but I don't recall if I stayed overnight or not. I've been in the hospital with various injuries and such, but I never remember much by the time I get home. God bless morphine!

P. Pet peeve:
Blocking the passing lane without passing anyone. If you don't feel like actually driving, get over or get out and let someone else drive, bitch.

Q. Quote from a movie:
"Timmy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?"
"Oh, for goodness' sakes, get down off that crucifix. Someone needs the wood."
"These go to 11."
"There's no crying in baseball!"
"There are two types of people in this world: those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't."
"It's not the years, honey. It's the mileage."
"Son, you got a panty on your head."
"You know when you hear girls say 'Ah man, I was so shit-faced last night, I shouldn't have fucked that guy?' We could be that mistake!"

R. Righty or Lefty:
All Righty then

S. Siblings:
Yes, I have those.

T. Time you wake up:
2, 4, 6 and sometime after 6 when I eventually crawl out of bed and begin getting ready for my awesome job.

U. Underwear:
Pretty much always, except when I'm naked.

V. Vegetables you dislike:
Vice President Joe Biden
Janet Napolitano
Hillary
Oprah
Tommy Smothers
Al "Chicken Little" Gore
Michael Moore
Katie Couric
Adam Sandler
Cabbage

W. What makes you run late:
When I can't find time to run in the daytime

X. X-rays you've had:
Yes, everything. I'm one giant glowing radioactive isodope.

Y. Yummy food you make:
I can serve up a mean bowl of ice cream from a carton

Z. Zoo animal favorite:
Tigerblood! Winning!

Play too if you want!


I'm on a drug called Charlie Sheen


Otherwise, play this awesome prerecorded studio song:

50 Things No One Asked Me

I stole this from Miss Boudoir, a hot female blogger who got my attention with her screaming pink blog and sexy profile picture. Hey, I can't help being superficial. I'm a blogger, not Dr. Phil, who is also pretty superficial but much better paid for it.

OK, so here are 50 questions that were asked of other bloggers, all females, which I stole and answered myself for absolutely no good reason other than that I am lazy and don't have to work very hard on posts like this compared to other posts.



1 - How old do you act?
When I'm happy I act about 12. The rest of the time I act about 50, assuming 50 involves a lot of watching TV and shouting things at the screen about how stupid the stuff on TV is.



2 - Why is the sky blue?
Because the sky is filled with farts and farts are made of methane and methane makes the sky blue. They fart a lot in Australia which is why the sky is bluer there than anywhere else in the world, or so I'm told.



3 - Do you burp, fart, or both in front of others?
I burp in front of others when I'm totally lost in my own world and forget where I am. I fart for entertainment, so I won't waste a good one on you if you aren't someone who can appreciate a fine quality toot.



4 - Someone's writing a book based on your life. What would the title be?
"The Stupidest Man in the World"



5 - How many days in a row can you go without taking a dump?
I pretty much dump my load about once a day. I have no problem doing it at work. It's one of the few chances I get to read the paper. Somehow reading the news and shitting seem to be a perfect match for each other.



6 - Favorite childhood cartoon?
Bugs Bunny




7 - Have you ever caught someone in the act of masturbating?
Not if I could help it. Blech. Maybe if some Playboy bunnies lived near me I'd feel differently about it, but they don't so I don't either.



8 - Favorite food to make/bake/cook/etc?
I like to make a trip to the counter and say "Gimme a number 1 with a Coke."



9 - What's one redeeming quality about mushrooms?
They give shade to frogs and when I whack them with a golf club they always drive straight and true



10 - What's wrong with Richard Simmons?
He's flaming on the inside, but frosting and sprinkles on the outside. And his cupcakes have all gone stale.




11 - Name one celebrity who needs to come out of the closet.
We've had more than enough celebrities leaping and hopping out of the closet. What we need is for a few of them to get back in the closet and shut the fuck up about their private sexual habits for awhile. Sometimes less is more.



12 - Name one redeeming quality about asparagus.
Its great to have in a food fight 'cause it throws well.



13 - If "We Are the Champions", what are you?
Freddie Mercury, I guess, only with better teeth and no one climbing up my ass



14 - What's something they taught you in school that should never be taught to anyone?
They taught me how to stab a 6th grade boy in the balls with a pencil for absolutely no reason. Seriously. This is what went on at the school I went to. The teachers taught it and encouraged it as much as they could. And now you know just a little more about how I ended up so fucked up and angry.



15 - What's the deal with Steven Segal anyways?
He can't accept the fact that he's yesterday and needs to go home and finish growing old there.



16 - Name two movies that should have never been made.
How about every movie Adam Sandler ever made? How many is that?




17 - Do you enjoy to point, stare, and laugh at others?
Do I enjoy to point? What are you, straight off the boat? I enjoy people-watching and I may on occasion laugh to myself at someone who appears more goofy than average. Memphis has a high level of goofy and ugly so there is a lot of entertainment value in people-watching in Memphis.



18 - Name one or more words that every time you hear them, make you cringe.
Balls, Oprah, ABC Family



19 - Have you ever put anything up your ass?
My own head a time or two



20 - What can you do better than most?
I'm a pretty talented smart-ass.



21 - Have you smoked pot?
2nd-hand for a few hours, as did everyone else at that concert



22 - Would you wrestle a member of the same sex, nude, in pudding for 10 minutes for one million dollars?
Yeah, and I'd pin that fucker and make him scream "uncle" too. Then I'd spend that money so fast it'd make the IRS' head spin



23 - Happiest moment of your life?
I'm still waiting




24 - Name in order, the body parts of the opposite sex you notice first.
1. Smile, or lack thereof
2. Eyes, gleaming or glaring?
3. Breasts
4. lower good parts
5. hands, holding a weapon or empty?



25 - What or where's the furthest you've been away from home?
Somewhere in the Caribbean, on an island herding cats while wearing scuba gear



26 - Have you ever been to Africa?
I live in Memphis. It's like South Africa except without any of the beautiful Dutch women.



27 - Can you currently do a split?
I cannot currently nor could I ever do a split. I came close in taekwondo back in The Day, but never made it all the way down.



28 - What's better - a knee-jerk reaction or a polish knee slap?
I've never experienced a Polish knee slap so I'm going with the knee jerk out of shear ignorance



29 - Ever given anyone a dutch oven?
Only in the sense of how it relates to farting



30 - What's your favorite kind of apple?
Fionna Apple is my favorite apple



31 - Favorite Muppet?
Fozzy Bear, cause he was a loser like me



32 - Squash just doesn't sound very tasty. What say you?
I say pizza doesn't sound tasty either, but it is.



33 - How many sexual partners have you had?
Not nearly as many as I'd dreamed of when I was a frustrated teen



34 - Favorite number?
Twelve trillion, and please deliver it to my door in cash



35 - Favorite type of pet?
Uh ... Penthouse?




36 - Favorite sexual position?
Just anything that results in sex



37 - Least favorite sexual position?
The one that ends up in the emergency room with screaming and crying



38 - Is it better to give or receive?
Depends on what it is that's being given or received



39 - When's the last time you vomited?
It depends. Does it count if it comes out your ass?



40 - Name one product you use that everyone ought to use.
A car - it's amazing. You can travel long distances in a short time and even be comfortable as you travel!



41 - What's worse - having your period or spraining your ankle?
I don't have periods, but I have sprained an ankle or two. Sprained ankles generally last longer than periods, or so I'm told, but they don't return every 28 days. Then again, I'm a guy so the only way I could have a period would be to bleed out my penis, which would be really, really bad. Let's change the subject.



42 - What sport can you play well?
I used to play several sports well, but I've lost my edge now and just generally suck at life these days.



43 - What's the funniest thing you've heard/seen/done in the past week?
I watched Tosh.O the other night and it was pretty funny. Also, I heard that the guys on Top Gear said some hilarious things about Mexican cars that have them in trouble with the Mexican ambassador over in England.



44 - Are you interested in being friends with someone on death row?
We're all on death row. We just don't often think about it that way.



45 - What's 4+3*800/3?
Enough



46 - Who would make a better President - Sarah Palin or Cookie Monster?
Either one would make a better president than the Elmo doll we have now.



47 - Have you ever done a snow angel in the nude?
Not that I can remember, but alcohol has a funny way of erasing such embarrassing memories.



48 - Who's your favorite Golden Girl?
I hate them all and wish that show would go away and join all the Adam Sandler movies in hell.



49 - Have you ever taken a dump out a window?
Um, no.



50 - Favorite kind of ice cream?
Mint Chocolate Chip or Rocky Road, although I don't eat much ice cream anymore.



And now a video that expresses how I feel ...

A Quiz or Meme or Survey or Something

Be honest, who texted you last?

Mafia Wars from Facebook texted me last to tell me I was just killed. SO AWESOME!


Do you sleep with the door open or closed?

Closed and locked with a loaded gun nearby. Seriously. You think I'm making this shit up, but I'm totally not. Think about it, what's my name - MEMPHIS Steve. So where do I stay at? That's right - Memphis. Load up Now you know.


Do you drink tea?

I drink tea if there isn't any coffee and for some reason tea is available, but that hasn't been the case in many, many years so ... I drink iced tea now. Sometimes.


Do you have plans for tomorrow?

I plan to drive to work through ice and snow and salt and crashed cars with my truck in 4-wheel-drive cause everything is expected to be frozen solid including the roads.


What’s worse: dry skin or chapped lips?


Athletes foot and jock itch both beat those hands down.


Would you be surprised if your parents had another baby together?

A bit, yes, because Dad is dead and Mom is 70-something and not particularly friendly towards men.


Would you rather go to Canada or California on vacation?

You know, it really depends on what time of the year it is and where in Canada or California exactly. I'd very much like to see Vancouver, BC, Canada, but if it's the dead of winter and there isn't something going on, like the winter X-Games or something, then maybe it'd be better to make the winter vacation to California, preferably southern California, like maybe San Diego. Anyway, I hear the girls are incredibly beautiful in southern California AND Vancouver, so either one is a win.


Do you want to get married?

I don't know. I think I did that already.


Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants or pajama pants?

I'm wearing torn jeans and it isn't sexy.


So, what if you married the last person you texted?

I'm sure they'd be very surprised.


Last person you told a secret to?

I have no life, so I guess as a consequence of that I have no secrets to tell.


What are you listening to at the moment?

G4's Attack of the Show has the woman who plays the queen of the Vs on and she's being interviewed. She's talking about how she has an account on Twitter, @missmorenab, but she doesn't know how to act on there because she doesn't want people to dislike her for being as sarcastic and foul-mouthed as she actually is in real life.


Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed?

Yesterday I fell asleep sitting in a chair at a neighbor's house and I think I snored a little.


Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to?

I don't know. It depends.


Are relationships ever really worth it?

I feel like I'm back in 8th grade here. Yes, a good relationship is worth it. Sometimes a bad one is even if only to help you learn to avoid such people and abuse in the future.


Do you believe in love?

Isn't that a song by Huey Lewis? Do you believe in love - you're making me believe it too


When was the last time you saw your father?

Well, I saw him in a dream a few nights ago, but other than dreams I haven't seen him since he was in the hospital just before he died.


Have any memories that you’d like to forget?

Yes, I think they call those "flashbacks" and they relate to past trauma and shit.


Is there someone you really like to hang out with and just talk about stuff?’

I hang out with just about anyone who wants to hang out with me. So many friends are busy so why be snobby about it, right? If you're free and want to hang out, just let me know.


Have you ever been called prince or princess?

No


Do you think teenagers can be in love?

Sure, my grandparents married when they were teens and stayed together until he died many long years later


How fast does your mood change?

Normally not that fast. It depends on what happens to change it exactly. One sexist speech from Hillary Clinton and I can go from happy-go-lucky to totally pissed off in an instant.


How are you feeling?

Shitty


Do you want someone to call you right now?

No, its 1 am and I want to go to bed


What do you always take with you?

My penis and them testicles


Is your bed comfortable?

Its like a wet sponge that you slowly sink into as the night progresses, so that you wake up in a hole and have to fight to climb out.


Would you say you’re an understanding person?

What?? I don't speak moron. Engrish only, fool!


Are you generally a happy person?

Less so lately, but who knows what tomorrow may bring?


Who’s in your profile picture with you?

My invisible parrot. Arrrrr!


Were you single on Valentines Day?

Not legally.


What is the last movie you watched?

Wild Things 3, I think. I may have the title wrong. I don't know. What's the movie that made Charlie Sheen's ex-wife famous? I think it was Wild Things. Anyway, it was a cheap film that made a lot of money, so they made like a billion sequels. I saw the third one.


Do you listen to songs when you’re done?

Done watching Wild Things 3? No, I think I went to bed and dreamed I was a rich Florida man chasing 17-year-old girls who were plotting my murder.


How long does it take you to fall asleep at night?

Normally it takes about 15 minutes, but the night most of the snow fell this week I couldn't sleep at all. The light reflecting off the snow made it look like morning outside.


Are you talkative?

Not so much


Were you single last summer?

I was mostly alone, but not single.

50 Questions

* Stolen from Catch Her In The Wry



1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

Aaaaaaah shit.


2. How much cash do you have on you?

I'm not even wearing pants, let alone carrying cash.


3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?

Score (I'm watching porn)


4. Favorite planet?

Hollywood


5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?

Kevin Bacon ... was in the original Friday the 13th??? Who knew???


6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?

1940s classic telephone bell


7. What shirt are you wearing?

No shirt, no pants, I'm blogging commando


8. Do you label yourself?

Yes, I have a label on myself that says "Cherokee - made in USA"


9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?

God's 10 Toes


10. Bright or Dark Room?

The walls are nearly white and the lights overhead are long fluorescent tubes. It's almost blinding.


11. Did you do anything to celebrate John Lennon's 70th yesterday?

Sure, I listened to some Rolling Stones and said to myself "At least Mick never hooked up with a total douche like Yoko."


12. What does your watch look like?

It looks like a more expensive watch that I saw, only it isn't. My grandad the allegedly Jewish jeweler would probably be ashamed of me for that. Or else he'd appreciate me for being smart enough not to pay out the ass for a stupid fucking watch. I never really knew him well.


13. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Unpacking from the drive back to town and trying to get ready for bed.


14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?

"You fought as a capo with Sex Kitten"


15. Where is your nearest 7-11?

I don't even know if we have any 7-11s around here anymore. We have Circle Cs and Mapcos and places like that, but I think 7-11 is pretty much gone.



16. What’s a word that you say a lot?

Vagina - as in, Senator Harry Reid needs to man up 'cause he's a huge fucking vagina


17. Who told you he/she loved you last?

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I'm gonna eat some worms


18. Last furry thing you touched?

My penis. I guess I should trim that sucker, but I've been busy and he hasn't.


19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?

Do ginger pills count as doing drugs? If so, then one.


20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?

I've probably got at least one, but it'd be several years old and might not be any good anymore.


21. Favorite age you have been so far?

17 - I distinctly remember being 17 and listening to Foreigner singing "Seventeen" and being fully aware that it was a great age to be.


22. Your worst enemy?

We haven't met yet, but if we ever do it'll be the first and last time.



23. What is your current desktop picture (extra points if you post it.)?

It's called "Bliss" and the stupid search function can't fucking find it. I can't be bothered to do it the hard way. Fuck Windows.


24. What was the last thing you said to someone?

Fuck you if you can't use a blinker, you poor bastard who can't afford a Jeep that has functioning turn signals. Yes, I see you looking at me in your rearview mirror, you cunt.


25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?

A million bucks ain't shit in American dollars now, thanks to Obama. I'll take flying and use it to rob rich politicians like Harry Reid and escape by flying away like Superman.



26. Do you like someone?

No, I hate everyone. I'm a fuckin' troll under a bridge chasing billy goats is what I am.


27. The last song you listened to?




28. What time of day were you born?

6 or 7 am on the dot. I know this because my mom was pissed that I woke her up so early and she let me know it for years and years afterwards.


29. What’s your favorite number?




30. Where did you live in 1987?

Here



31. Are you jealous of anyone?

I'm jealous of my niece and nephew for being born with perfect abs.


32. Is anyone jealous of you?

I wouldn't think so, but I'm always surprised by the truly shitty people who stab me in the back over some petty jealousy I never expected.


33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?

In Memphis walking into work and thinking to myself, "this is going to be a shitty day."


34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?

If no one else is around I practice my spinning side kick.



35. Do you consider yourself kind?

Kind of a dork, yes.


36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?

I'd have the word "Oklahoma" tattooed on my penis. It'd just say "Ok" if I wasn't in the mood.


37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?

I'd be fluent in bullshit. Look how far it has gotten President Obama.


38. Would you move for the person you loved?

I already did. She wanted a house and I was happy with our apartment with swimming pool and weight room. We ended up in the heart of Redneckville hell. But we had a house.


39. Are you touchy feely?

I'm more grouchy steely with a splash of lemon-flavored vodka.


40. What’s your life motto?

No one gets out alive anyway so let's do this bitch.


41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?

Scars, handgun and well-earned cynicism



42. What’s your favourite town/city?

I don't know yet. I'll let you know when I find it.


43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?

Stamp for a letter to God


44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?

Yesterday, I wrote a letter to God and had to pay cash for the stamp to mail it. I thought I just told you this.



45. Can you change the oil on a car?

Yes, and don't think this means you can show up at my house and expect me to do it for you, either. I have 6 cars of my own to keep up with.


46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?

She has kids


47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?

Great-great grandad was a Cherokee and he killed somebody in a dispute over land. Grandma's ancestors were married into Thomas Jefferson's family and had apparently been rich at one time. To go back beyond that you'd have to talk to my sister. She's the genealogy buff among us.


48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?

Dress fancy? I dressed up as Captain Morgan for Halloween last year. Is that fancy enough? My sword was real and fancy, too. Bonus! After that there was my beautiful niece's artsy-fartsy, ice-cold January wedding which I videoed and still can't get the damn computer to burn to DVD so I can give it to her. I guess I was dressed fancy for that, too, although not as Captain Morgan. That might've been weird.



49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?

My heart, mostly. Sometimes the prettiest faces hide the ugliest people.


50. Have you been burned by love?

A few times I've ended up pretty sore. I guess you could say it was like a rug burn.

Meme I stole from Ute that she stole from Spiky

1. Have you ever mooned/flashed anyone? How long ago?

When I was younger we used to moon cars. The last time was in college when a passive/aggressive woman was blocking the passing lane, as passive/aggressives are prone to do in the city where I grew up. She, of course, did not change lanes into the right-hand lane from which she needed to turn until the last possible moment, not using a signal or anything as they might make it easier on the other drivers to share the road with her. We, being intoxicated young males with little appreciation for rolling roadblocks, all hung our asses out the window, slowed next to her and honked the horn. She turned just in time to get a face-full of hairy white ass and maybe a glimpse of ballsack. It was totally worth it. She was a cunt and we laughed for hours over her shocked expression.


2. Pick an animal that best displays your personality.

Stray Dog - I'm always on the run, from here to there to anywhere I can find something to eat or roll in. I chase foxes and pussies that I have no intention of catching, randomly show up in people's yards, poop wherever the need strikes me, gladly accept a pat on the head from strangers, and will gleefully hump your leg if you let me. If you feed me I'll be your dog for as long as you want and will attack anyone who tries to invade your territory or leave rude comments on your blog. I'm faithful to a fault. You can leave me out in the rain for a whole year before returning to blog again and I'll still be here, sitting in your driveway happily wagging my tail at your return. Please don't ever have me 'fixed' and don't worry about flea collars or shots. Strays take care of themselves. All I need is a little encouragement every now and then. And steak. Any spare steak you have lying around, please give it to me. Mmmmm steak!


3. Do you mail out holiday cards, and if so, how do you pick the list?

I normally do. My list is ginormously long. And now, because I have an ever-growing litany of Jewish friends, I find myself buying more and more Hanukkah cards as well. I never know exactly when to mail the Hanukkah cards, though, since it seems the date changes slightly every year, so I just mail them out randomly, sort of like I do the Christmas cards. This year I was unable to mail many cards at all due to my having stupidly left my mailing list in Memphis while I was in Alabama. It turned out alright, though, since apparently almost all of my friends did the same and failed to send me any cards either. Funny that.


4. How often do you wear something sexy to get attention (lingerie, low cut dress, silk boxers, etc...)?

Um yeah, nothing looks sexy on me that I know of. The Mrs tells me I look hot in work boots, tight jeans and a cowboy hat, so every now and then I mow the yard in my boots and jeans and cowboy hat and then come in all glistening and sweaty and covered in grass and say "hey baby, let's you and me do it on the Snapper."


5. Have you ever tasted breast milk SINCE you were an adult?

No, never tasted it ever, not even as a child. Have you not figured out by now that Momma didn't love me? Well now you know.


There, my meme that I stole from Ute that she stole from Spiky is done. Are you properly impressed? Good, now I need to go poop.





And now for my monthly public service announcement. Don't drink too much and then go to McDonald's. You might end up on YouTube.

Getting To Know You meme stolen from myself on Facebook

If you have been tagged, you have the horror of copying all these goofy questions, writing your own response, and tagging 25 other victims. Blah blah blah --- fuck that.


1.What time did you get up this morning?
Way : Damn Early AM

2.How do you like your steak?
Dead and cooked, and then served to me by a sizzling hot naked supermodel

3.What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Inglourious Basterds, and fuck you for not reading my previous post

4.What is your favorite TV show?
I like to hook up my video camera to the TV and watch myself watching myself. I call it "Deja Vu"

5.If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Sydney, Australia, in Nicole Kidman's spare bedroom next door to Finger's house

6.What did you have for breakfast?
Food and stuff. I was really sleepy so I'm lucky to remember that much.

7.What is your favorite cuisine?
Italian, they're hot and spicy and usually have that thick, dark, long hair, full breasts and dark eyes .. wait what?

8.What foods do you dislike?
crow

9.Favorite place to eat?
The Table

10.Favorite dressing?
Italian - I like to undress them myself

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Depends on the day of the week. Sunday I was driving a 1970 Chevelle SS454. Monday I drove a big-assed 4x4. Tuesday I drove a gray grandma car and had to pass a Porsche Carrerra on the shoulder because dude was CRAWLING. I also have a banana yellow hearse and whenever I'm mad at my neighbors I park it right out in front of their house.

12.What are your favorite clothes?
Whatever Jessica Biel is about to take off

13.Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Australia - BC, Canada (hi Karina!) - New Zealand - Germany - Mars

14.Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
I prefer it filled up, but currently I've almost drank all of it. Time for a refill. Ah Caffeine, you make my life complete!

15.Where would you want to retire?
My own mansion outside of Sydney, probably right off the beach, preferably a nude beach.

16.Favorite time of day?
Whatever time involves a certain wife saying "let's do it"

17.Where were you born?
Mom's vagina

18.What is your favorite sport to watch?
Supermodel Lingerie Football - seriously, it's a real sport. They get bloody and everything.

19.Who do you think will not tag you back?
Billy Mays, because he's dead

20.Person you expect to tag you back first?
Jessica Biel, with another restraining order or perhaps her new C2 Taser

21.Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
Jessica Biel

22.Bird watcher?
No, Biel watcher

23.Are you a morning or night person?
I'm ready to do it Morning, Noon and Night

24.Do you have any pets?
See, I tried to make Jessica Biel my pet, but she didn't want to and then this whole FBI and restraining order stuff started and it was all just too much trouble.

25.Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
If that was your hood that my camera bounced off of on the highway yesterday, I apologize. I paid $15 for it and it wasn't even worth that much. ARGH!

26.What did you want to be when you were little?
Bigger

27.What is your best childhood memory?
Smoking cigarettes in the playhouse. No wait, that was BAD BAD! Maybe it was climbing trees and not having any real stress in life besides my mom being crazy and Dad hating me and all that.

28.Are you a cat or a dog person?
I used to have a Cat Stevens album, but then I decided I liked 3 Dog Night better. Yes, I said album, as in fucking vinyl.

29.Are you married?
If not then there is an Italian woman living in my house and sleeping in my bed that seems to think she has the right to tell me what to do with my weekends and I want this stopped.

30.Always wear your seat belt?
Ever since 5th grade when I nearly got run over by a girl running from the police who clipped the curb in front of Weatherly Elementary, slid across her driver's seat, and had to reach over and grab her steering wheel with her left hand and pull herself back behind the wheel, coming up the curb and within 6 inches of killing me in the process I do. If she had hit me then this meme would written by Tommy Garrett and say "ever since I saw this crazy girl slide across her car and run over Steve Jones"

31.Been in a car accident?
I'm convinced some of them weren't entirely accidents, but when the bitch is nearly 70 and playing the "I'm old and would NEVER ram someone on purpose" card, so I had to let it slide. I wasn't at all surprised when she said she was a retired school teacher. Pent up aggression much?

32.Any pet peeves?
Yes, Justin Timberlake sleeping with Jessica Biel!

33.Favorite pizza topping?
Jessica B .. I mean, Pepperoni

34.Favorite flower?
Self rising

35.Favorite ice cream?
Rocky Road mixed with Mint chocolate chip and spread over Jessica Biel's body

36.Favorite fast food restaurant?
Memphis has cured me of any desire to bother with so-called "fast" food.

37.How many times did you fail your driver's test?
I was so drunk, I don't even remember. But so was the instructor, so it's all good.

38.From who did you get your last email?
My boss, telling me the fantasy football automated draft has begun. Apparently I'm not even choosing my own players.

39.Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Victoria's Secret, 'cause I hear some of those models can be bought. Too bad Heidi is pregnant right now. She's hawt.

40.Do anything spontaneous lately?
Farted in the hallway. Does that count? I sure wasn't expecting it.

41.Like your job?
I like the fact that I have one. I like the fact that I work with intelligent engineer-type people again.

42.Broccoli?
What's her first name? Are you talking about the Broccolis that produce all the James Bond movies?

43.What was your favorite vacation?
I don't know. The cruise across the Caribbean was cool. Ontario was cool. I mean literally, it was cool. No wonder they play so much hockey. Anyway, this past trip to Florida was cool. Not literally. I don't have a favorite yet.

44.Last person you went out to dinner with?
Justin Timberlake, because he said he wanted to 'talk to me' about this 'problem' with me following Jessica Biel around all the time. The only problem I see is that this turd is sleeping in my spot in her bed.

45.What are you listening to right now?
The Sounds of Silence

46.What is your favorite color?
Red, especially if it comes wrapped around a musclecar or supermodel or my penis in the form of supermodel lips

47.How many tattoos do you have?
None that I know of or consented to.

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
Wait a minute and we'll both know

49.What time did you finish this quiz?
10:06 am

50.Coffee drinker?
Yes, but only when I need the caffeine. I don't care about it otherwise.

51.Favorite self quote?
That was no accident. THAT was a dive with a hook-kick to the groin. And THESE are the most powerful pain killers they're allowed to give me. They said it was because a separated shoulder is so painful. I said 'what separated shoulder? Do you see me holding my shoulder?' Apparently this bone isn't supposed to be sticking up like this.


And now for an example of why you should have listened to your mother when she said "I don't want you playing with that boy. He is NOT your friend ..."

Tagged for a Meme - Stranded on a Deserted Island

Tag!

The Blonde Goddess has tagged me for a meme. I wouldn't do it, but she's blonde. I'm a sucker for a blonde.

And boobs.

And generally women with either of the aforementioned features.

Or both. Especially when they have both.

But enough about those naked photos of her on my cell phone, let's get on with it.


It begins like this...




My 401k
"Your ship has sunk. You have, of course, been stranded on a deserted island.

You have salvaged a copy of the King James Version of the Bible and a copy of the complete works of Shakespeare. Nothing else.

The very next day you find one of those Arabian Lamps in the sand. Of course, you rub it and, of course, a rather grumpy Genie appears.



Grumpy Genie
"Let’s get this straight - there is a recession going on. There are restrictions on the three wishes now. I don’t do water or air transport now so no boats, planes or magic carpets. As for electronics, forget it. There isn’t the infrastructure on this island."

"I can let you have one book and I mean one VOLUME, one essential item and one luxury item. Now hurry up and make your choices, I have to get to those five other islands with the people you are going to nominate."

Alright, so here we go:

For the book, I choose ...



Bob Harris' A Handbook for Wilderness Survival
Hey, I'm no Boy Scout. There's all kinds of shit I don't know. I might have to eat bugs or figure out which plants are poisonous and which are God's gift to mankind. This book is gold. I'm a fuckin' genius here.



For the essential item, I choose ...



The Ultimate Survival Blast Match Fire Starter

The Blast Match generates a stream of sparks three times the heat of a standard match and easily will light any material (wood, paper, bark, cloth, or man-made fire starting tinders) that a match will ignite. You can accurately aim the sparks to ignite a roaring fire in any weather conditions. It doesn't need lighter fluid, propane, butane, and supposedly never wears out. Kick ass, baby!



For the luxury item, I choose ...



... my island, Hamilton Island

I'm not asking to be transported anywhere. You can bring the damn island to me. If it has to be deserted, that's fine. Just tell everybody else to get the hell off and go home. It's mine now, along with everything on it. The pool, the chairs, the hotel, the scuba shop and gear, the yacht, everything in the kitchen, every single damn thing, is mine.

So there you have it. That's what I would wish for. You might even want to come visit me on my deserted island. If you do, and you can't find me, I'm probably out snorkeling. Or maybe I'm in the yacht. Just hang out in the lobby and I'll show up eventually.


And now I have to tag 5 people to do this meme, too. So here I go.

I tag:

Compulsively Yours Obsessively Mine

Sam Simply Less So

Rkintn

Miss Honey Smack

Sweet Cheeks


So there you go. You know you're impressed with my awesomeness. Now let's see what all you got to say.

Ooh, and before I forget ...


Italian Spiderman: episode 2

50 Things About Me - 'cuz I'm lacking creativity today

Either it's the height of narcissism or it's a way of letting passing potential readers know who I am better, in case they might want to stick around. Either way, it's tailor-made for a blog. So here it is. 50 things about me:


1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Yes, I was named after all of those old people who were named long before me. Rumor has it that I got the name that was supposed to go to the kid next to me in the baby display area, but there was some mix-up and he ended up named Cleophus Opie instead. He still stalks me sometimes. Get over it, dude.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Um ... I think it was when I read that Jessica Biel is doing a nude scene in her next movie. I really can't remember for sure. But then again, that's what tequila is for, isn't it?

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I am a computer geek. There is only one thing computer geeks still do by hand and it isn't writing.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Jessica Biel with just a sliver of Jenny McCarthy


5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Not until the paternity test proves otherwise, biatch.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
It would depend on whether this other person I suddenly was is a dick or not. Maybe the old me wouldn't want to be friends with the new obnoxious me, did you ever think of that? Yeah, look at that. I just rejected me before I could reject me first. Or something.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
No, of course not. Only mental midgets use sarcasm. Well, mental midgets and highly intelligent people who don't feel like arguing with pinheads who don't know what the hell they're talking about. Yeah, you're so awesome. You should run for the Senate, Mr. Franken. You have some great ideas there. And such charisma, too. Ha ha. No, I really mean that.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Last time I checked I did, yes. Why, did you need to borrow them?

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I'd rather skydive. It lasts longer and gives you time for the urine to evaporate before anyone notices your little 'accident'.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Ted Bundy is probably my favorite. He was so suave and cool. Most of them are ugly nutjobs, but he could have been on American Idol. Wait, you spelled 'serial' wrong.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
You can't untie 3" pumps. This has nothing to do with me, of course, but it remains true. Anyway, as for my own shoes, yes, I do untie them before taking them off and placing them neatly in the closet while singing "Won't you please - please won't you be - my neighbor?"

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Rocky Road with Chocolate Mint thrown in for maximum fattage, all smeared across Shannon Elizabeth's naked body.


14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
The first thing I notice is whether they're a Victoria's Secret supermodel with hardly any clothes on or not. This sort of thing is important to me, you know.

15. RED OR PINK?
What, like I'm your gynecologist or something? Oh fine, hop up on the table.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I didn't major in gynecology when I had the chance, dammit.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My cat, Stinky. He moves really fast and I always have been pretty wild with my sidearm fastballs. I hit him some of the time, though.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
Yes, and also send me money. Who do you mean by 'everyone' exactly? Are we including Hollywood celebrities in that? I'd like Jessica Biel to come sit on my lap and complete this list using my computer while I give her a full body massage, that's what I'd like.


19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Is this for Jessica Biel's restraining order or something? Why do you want to know that specifically?

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Some jackass beating on ductwork with a hammer over my head. What the hell are they doing up there?!

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Envy Green, 'cause that guy who used to be married to Shannon Elizabeth is way uglier than me and still he got some of that ass.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Napalm in the morning, fresh crisp money, woman sweat, and cinnamon rolls

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Jessica Biel's attorney. Apparently it WAS for her restraining order. I told them my name is "Fingers" and I live in Sydney. I think they bought it.


26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Nude Supermodel Ultimate Fighting

27. HAIR COLOR?
Same brown as always, but with some gray (thanks 'University of We No Speak English But We Do Good Research')

28. EYE COLOR?
Brown, but I'm thinking of dying them blond

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No, but I have several on LinkedIn

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Anything non-salmonellaish

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Violent world destroying hopeless Gothic films with way too much CGI effects and Kate Beckinsale naked.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Mary Poppins Does Dallas

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Again with the tricks for that restraining order, eh? Just ask Jessica to look out her bedroom window and see for herself. I'm not that hard to spot.


34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer on the beach in the Great Barrier Reef

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Kinda depends on whether we're talking about a Heidi Klum type or more of a Ben Roethlisberger type, you know? Heidi can kiss me, but if you're a guy, or Queen Latifah, just shake my hand please.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Ai Dunn No

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Mark Twain

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Um, something or other about how Leftists manipulate language to influence how people think and something else which my wife insists I should read called "One to get ready" or something like that (Stephanie Plum - sound familiar?) Oh, and also a book by the guy that created Vanguard, John Bogle or something like that.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Ain't no mouse pad, honkey! It's be called a 'crib' now.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
30 Rock, the Travel channel, and then Girls Next Door. Only one of them has real boobs, you know.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S)?
I don't want to tell you because it's naughty and I'm not the one making it at the time. If Jessica Biel will open the door and let me in she can demonstrate it for you and me both.


43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Stones. I grew up in a Beatles household and one day discovered that I had missed a lot of good Stones music. Also good? AC/DC

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Whatever that island in the Caribbean is that's farthest out there. Grenada? I can't remember. Or maybe Toronto, Ontario is farther away. Anyway, once I go to Australia there won't be any more confusion about this.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Yes, writing for no money. I seem to be really good at the not getting paid for anything that I write thing. Also pretty good at the not getting published thing, which goes along with the not getting paid.

46 WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In a hospital delivery room on a cold table containing my momma.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
The person whose answers come with money attached.

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Well, we were both being booked at the same time and she said to me, "hey baby, you need a date?"

49. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK?
Diet Caffeine-free Captain Morgan, light on the Coke

50. TARGET OR WALMART?
Target. Too many relatives shop at Walmart and might find me if I go there.

Ta daaaaaa! I'm all done now. Come wipe me.

Tag - Smack you on the ass!

Bella tagged me. She tied me to the bed and tagged me all night long. Yeah baby, yeah!


Tag!

SEVEN RANDOM AND/OR WEIRD FACTS ABOUT ME.

Fact 1 - I once had an orgasm so hard that I shot the ceiling. Needless to say, it was a long time ago.

Fact 2 - When I was a teenager the only beer I could get my hands on tasted like piss, so I learned to funnel just to make it easier to get drunk without having to taste the nasty cheap beer.

Fact 3 - Being a master of funneling beer came in handy when pledging a fraternity in college. Who knew it would turn out to be such an important skill?

Fact 4 - My dad used to show me The Playboy Channel on TV because he said he wanted me to be comfortable around sexy beautiful women and not be nervous. I suppose the idea of simply taking me somewhere that sexy beautiful women hung out and letting me talk to them in person never crossed his mind. Dad was always heavily into the theoretical and not so much into the practical application side of things.

Fact 5 - When I was a kid I used to ride nearby motocross trails on my bicycle. When I was older I got a motorcycle and rode those same trails. I had much worse wrecks on my bicycle than I ever did on my motorcycle. But out on the street, it's been just the opposite. Apparently asphalt hurts more and more the faster you go.

Fact 6 - I once punted a guy's face while in a fight after he tried to kick me in the balls. You'd think that you'd already be as mad as you could possibly get if you're in the middle of a fight, but apparently that isn't necessarily so. Sexual assault has a way of finding a whole new level of anger in a person. His face gushed blood like a fucking slasher movie and I was glad. He also instantly lost all interest in continuing with the fight. Sometimes two big old handfuls of your own blood will change your perspective. Hmm, I wonder if I could make that into a snappy slogan and put it on a T-shirt?

Fact 7 - My father was as cheap a man as ever lived. He wouldn't take one of his kids to the hospital for anything, especially if it was me. Consquently, I had a number of hospital-worthy injuries treated with some weird attempts at first aid. Vaseline, duct tape, and Vodka were my dad's solution to almost everything. Did I mention I have mad skills with a funnel?


I suppose now I'm supposed to tag people? OK, let's see who I can torment with this.

I tag:

Spiky Zora Jones - because she's mad at me and won't even talk to me now, let alone accept this tag. But I like her anyway because I'm a fucking doormat.

Steph of Australia - because I heard a rumor that she's pregnant. I mean, I heard a rumor that she's back on The Blog again and I'm hoping to guilt her into making the rumor come true.

Kylie of Elegantly Wasted (aka Bad Kylie) - because she's never even visited my blog, let alone accepted a tag from me. Also, I've been living on her couch playing XBox while she hid in the bathroom for the past week or so and this is my way of saying 'thanks'.

Stacy the Peanut Queen - because she's my bestie bloggie buddy and I know she's done this one as many times as I have, so it should be as hard for her at this point as it was for me.

Fingers - because he'll never accept the tag, but if he does, God only knows what he'll come up with.

Unique Stephen - because he's had an exciting and interesting life and I'm sure he could come up with 100 times as many interesting things as this tag requires.

Kylie (aka Good Kylie) - because she's always being confused with bad Kylie and has been a really good sport about it. And also she visits my blog and might actually do this tag.



And now for something much more entertaining than my life ...

Quirky Quirks - A quick Meme

We temporarily interrupt this DEAR MEMPHIS funfest to bring you the following obligatory meme. This is a meme. This is only a meme. Do not adjust your set. Do not pass Go and collect $200. While we play this game, please continue to send your problems to DEAR MEMPHIS as requested in the previous post.

Madeline tagged me for this international orgy, er, meme. I'll get her back for this someday, but for now I will submit like a proper slave. Ooh, whip me beat me!


These are the rules:-

Rules:

1) Link to the person who tagged me.
2) Mention the rules.
3) Tell six quirky yet boring, unspectacular details about myself.
4) Tag six other blogger´s by linking to them.
5) Go to each person’s blog and leave a comment that lets them know they’ve been tagged.


Here are my replies:-

1. I can't do a straight up meme without being a smartass unless I'm just really depressed or tired. I don't know why. I guess I fall asleep before I can finish it if I don't make it entertaining for myself somehow.

2. I hate wearing watches and rings and jewelry in general. I frequently take off my watch and leave it places or, when there is nowhere to put it down, I switch it from wrist to wrist all day long.

3. I am slightly ambidextrous due to masturbation fatigue and necessity. Also, my family's DNA seems to be rather ambiguous about 'handedness', as the preferred hand alternated with each child born to my parents, giving them a rightie, a leftie, a rightie, a leftie and then finally me, who can cop a feel with either hand equally well.

4. I used to be painfully shy, especially around hot girls with big hooters. Now I slip money into their G-strings and call them 'baby' while they climb on me like a jungle gym and pretend to love me.

5. I can't seem to write anything without wandering off-topic for several paragraphs and then somehow falling back onto the original topic almost as if by accident. In face-to-face conversations, though, I'm to-the-point and no bullshit and I prefer the same in return. I hate when someone is telling me something and wanders off in the middle of it to talk about some unrelated crap for 5 minutes. I've nearly strangled people for this before.

6. I have ugly crooked toes. I'm so ashamed. Don't look at me. I'm hideous!


Now I tag the following victims:-

Elvis Presley
Marilyn Monroe
Jim Morrison
John Wayne
Jimi Hendrix
James Dean

I can't wait to see their answers!

Hump Day Meme

Back to School - from Khaki

1. What was your high school decade?
'80s baby! Totally awesome!

2. Are you still friends with your high school friends?
Most of them, yes. Several of them blog now.

3. What was your favorite thing about high school?
Hot girls everywhere I looked!

4. Your least favorite?
Hot girls everywhere I looked and me with a crushing lack of self-confidence.

5. Did you have a high school sweetheart? And how did that work out?
Yes, I did, and that did not work out well at all. She had been through a few bad step-fathers and I had that crushing lack of self-confidence, so together we were a train wreck.

6. Would you do the whole high school thing again, or is it better left in the past?
I would do it over, totally differently this time. But it would be a blast and I wouldn't pass up the chance if I had it.







Ah, remember the good old days?

Tagged - or - This is not what I was about to post

Suthnun tagged me for a brief question and answer session. I feel so special, like one of those weepy celebrities on a Barbara Walters segment. Well, not the black Republican she slept with, obviously, because I would remember that, but maybe Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes or someone like that.

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning of the post. Each player answers the questions about themselves in their post. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

1. What were you doing ten years ago?

Ten years ago I was single, living in Memphis, working out at the gym every night after work, eating lunch every single day with a hot blonde girl I worked with, and engaged to a brunette who lived 200 miles away. Little did I realize how much all of this would change in the next several horrible Memphis years.

2. What are five things on your list to do today?

Today is over. But by the time I publish this it'll be tomorrow, so here is tomorrow's list:
1) study next chapter of Microsoft book
2) study several of the applications I am now responsible for
3) spank the monkey
4) try to catch up on email without spending half the day on it
5) find Jessica Biel's house and have sex with her (I always try to include at least one really big goal just to motivate myself.)

3. Snacks you enjoy?

Jessica Biel, Shannon Elizabeth, Carmen Electra ... wait, these are all just fantasies. Other than the delusions I guess just general edible panties in a variety of fruit flavors are good, or at least they are until she farts in them and after that they have a kind of stale flavor I don't much care for.

4. Things You Would Do If You Were A Billionaire?

I would buy Men's Health Magazine and make it an actual Men's magazine like it used to be before the man who founded it died and his wife and daughters took it over, tossing them out along with lots of the girlie shit they put in. And of course I would add a two page spread in every issue encouraging men to fight for their own rights for a change because real men don't let themselves get raped by crooked politicians like a bunch of stump-trained pussies. After that I would buy a house on the beach in Miami to waste all my time in the sand and ocean there until winter, at which point I would buy a house on the beach in Sydney and waste the rest of my time there, surfing and scuba diving. If any hot girls showed up wanting to schmooze me for my billions I would gladly let them. Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "but Steve, when would you find time to run the magazine you bought?" Yes, I would do that at night when everyone else is watching Big Brother on TV. I don't like reality TV, so that would leave me free to build my publishing empire during the nighttime hours. And also, while I was living in Sydney, if any Australian girls who happen to be bloggers and know me through this blog happened to come over to see me, I wouldn't mind that at all. I'd even pay for all the alcohol and maybe a live band while I tried to get them as drunk as possible. Rich guys are supposed to take advantage of beautiful girls like that, you know? It's in the rules.

5. Three of your bad habits?

1) Cussing loudly at various inanimate objects, such as my computer or my truck or various other things that can't hear me and aren't going to respond no matter how loud I yell.
2) Not properly differentiating between important tasks that must get done and unimportant things like email, which piles up faster than the poofy dress of a high school girl on prom night.
3) Not downloading enough porn from the internet. I really should do more of this. I just can't seem to find the time. It's just all this damned email that keeps me from accomplishing anything else, like streaming Jenna Jameson.

6. Five places you have lived?

1) Rocketown
2) Memphis, TN
3) Snootyville, TN
4) Redneckville, TN
5) The Boondocks, TN

7. Five jobs you’ve had?

I was called a 'host' at the Baptist Student Union at the University of Absolute Hell. Basically I greeted anyone who came in while I was scrubbing the toilets and emptying the tampons out of the shiny metal boxes hanging in the girls bathroom stalls. So exciting.

At the same time that I had that job, I had another job as a Systems Analyst for the Engineering Department. I was their computer virus expert and saved them from thousands and thousands of dollars worth of damage. They showed their gratitude by paying me very badly, and then laying me and all of my coworkers off when they decided to steal the System Adminstration budget for the summer term and divide it up amongst the various departments. I thanked them by removing all the virus protection I had put into place just before leaving for my new job as an engineering aide at a major aeronautics manufacturer.

At the new job, I was paid three times as much money as I had received at either of my previous jobs scrubbing toilets and computer viruses, but still wasn't treated well. This would prove to be a pattern which I soon realized is simply how corporations are.

My fourth job was as a NASA contractor, where I worked on software for the Space Shuttle. Few people realize it, but the Shuttle uses equipment and software that is older than most college students. The reason for this is simple: government sucks. The engineers at NASA know all too well that anything the federal government is involved with will be loaded with affirmative action and other political bullshit, resulting in a product that is completely worthless and potentially fatal to the astronauts. So when they do manage to get something that works, no matter how old and unexciting it may be, they hang onto it with a death grip for as long as they possibly can. That's why the Shuttles we are using to this day are all about 30 years old.

My fifth job was at an overnight shipping company in Memphis. I wrote software while getting screwed by sociopaths on their way into management, where they quickly proved to be incompetent and were subsequently demoted. Everything I wrote for that company is still being used today, as a former coworker recently told me, and the company seems to be stuck in a rut. Perhaps if they didn't promote incompetent assholes into management they might still be doing well?

8. How did you name your blog?

I said to myself, "what do I have to do in order to get people to come to my blog? No one is going to come read this. I have to make it show up in Google searches as often as possible. How would I do that? Hmm, maybe if I named it 'Nude pictures of Britney Spears' then people would come by?" I thought about this and eventually shortened the name to Nude Memphis instead, figuring all I really needed was the word "nude" in the title. Apparently I was right.

So there you have it. I was about to post something else, but ran into a problem and couldn't. Then I saw that I had been tagged, so I wrote this instead. I know it fascinates you all to know trivial shit about me because I am truly that important to you, so I hope you haven't become too excited by all of this and wet yourself. I must now tag other bloggers. But I don't know who I should tag. I'm going to fire off the first five names that come to mind and then, if I can find time tomorrow, I'll try to go to their blogs and tell them. Otherwise, they'll probably never know theyu were tagged in the first place.

Five tagged bloggers:
Avitable
TWK
Stacy the Peanut Queen
Cat
Bonnie
Rachel
Mongram Queen
Ann
Unique_Stephen
White Rabbit

... how many do I tag again? I think I am done.