Cows, The Constitution and The Ten Commandments

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments

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COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington ?

And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

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THE CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...

Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

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THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this --

you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ....

it creates a hostile work environment.

Defective Chinese-Made Chairs from K-Mart

Another serious problem with defective Chinese products.

The latest cheap K-Mart outdoor chairs are made in China.

The lack of quality control has meant that the plastic used to rest on is very, very cheap and thin.

Purchase them at your own risk.

Attached is an example of the problem.

Don't buy them, or this could happen to you too.

It's Hell Getting Old!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, but none of us could get the jar open.'

3 Traveling Salesmen

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29 Lines to Make You Smile

Need to smile?

1. My spouse and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three Thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.



Mission Accomplished!



And now for something else to make you smile ...

We are in trouble!

We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama

Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city

Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

The Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair . . .

And Then The Fight Started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.

And then the fight started...

---

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

---

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.

And then the fight started...

---

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.

The husband replies, 'You still have good eyesight.

And then the fight started.....

---

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

---

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap.

That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

---

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible. '

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

---

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And then the fight started....

---

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

Hangover Finalists of 2008

Taxi! Ta .... oooh, a river of beer!


Dude, this is the most awesome blind date EVER!


Occupied


She drinks and she's limber. Oh, I think I love her!


Head over heels in love with beer


I can't imagine how this man lost his license


What's a roofie?


It's my birthday. I'm 21. Yaaaay!


Screw you and your stupid car with the windows that don't roll all the way down!


Step!


Told you not to use the handicapped toilet


Look what I found under my seat. It's a little drunk dude.


Stiff neck in the morning


What's with the watermelon?


Sooooo ... you gonna walk me or what?


I see London, I see France, I see .. uh ... nuts


Help me ... I think I broke my penis


Hello lay-deeeeeeez


This is why we use the regular toilets for this sort of thing.

Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.





Women reading this will be finished now.



Men reading this are still checking their thumbs.



And now for something totally twisted ...

6 Brazilian men

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says '6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'


The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible."



Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving and there is that risk involved."



After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Life Explained

Life really boils down to 2 questions...


1. Should I get a dog.....?





OR


2. Should I have children?






* emailed to me by Madeline McEwen-Asker

Excuses for Leaving Work Early

1. My kids are locked outside.

2. My kids are locked inside.

3. My kids are stuck in the door.

4. I have to pick on my kids.

5. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.

6. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies. She's much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.

7. The water company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.

8. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.

9. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.

10. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to the ceremony.

11. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).

12. I have to pick up my car at the shop. If I don't get there in half an hour it'll be locked up all weekend.

13. I have to get my car to the shop. If I don't get it there in half an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems wide awake).

14. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

15. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

16. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

17. My truss snapped.

18. My support hose popped.

19. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.

20. I'm arranging financing for a house.

21. I'm arranging financing for a car.

22. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast.

23. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.

24. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.

25. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can't be used by just anybody. But if it's close to accurate, it's extremely effective.

26. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.

27. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA.

28. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale.

29. My back aches.

30. My stomach aches.

31. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover," especially if offered in the early afternoon.)

32. My biological clock is ticking.

33. I have to take my biological clock in for service.

34. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.

35. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.

36. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.

37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.

38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.

39. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother.

40. I have to take my mother to the doctor.

41. I have to take my minister to the doctor.

42. I have to take my doctor to my minister.

43. I think I left the iron on.

44. I think I left the water on.

45. I think I left the refrigerator on.

46. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.

47. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test.

48. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.

49. I have to have my waistband let out.

50. I have to have my watchband let out.

51. I have to have my son's rock band let out.

52. I'm having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won't be able to work afterwards.

53. I'm having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won't be able to work afterwards.

54. I'm having my hats checked this noon, and I'll be having a drop or two so I won't be able to work afterwards.

55. I'm having a root canal.

56. I'm having a tax audit.

57. I'm going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?)

58. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.

59. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution.

60. I need to break into my kid's piggy bank while he's not home.

61. I have to renew my driver's license.

62. I have to get new license plates.

63. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver's license and get new license plates.

64. I've got an urgent session with my therapist.

65. I've got a really urgent session with my therapist.

66. I've ... I ... I'm not ... I don't ... I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS!!

67. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.

68. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.

69. I have to get my big toe calibrated.

70. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.

71. My rheumatism is acting up. There's going to be a terrible tornado.

72. My arthritis is acting up. There's going to be a terrible blizzard.

73. The pharaoh is acting up. There's going to be a terrible rain of frogs.

74. I need to give blood.

75. I need to give evidence.

76. I need to give up.

77. I'm going to my best friend's engagement party.

78. I'm going to my best friend's wedding.

79. I'm going to my best friend's divorce. (We all knew it wouldn't last. At the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)

80. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.

81. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don't pay them I'm going to be arrested.

82. The police are at the back door. Cover me.

83. I'm having my nails done.

84. I'm having my colors done.

85. I'm having my head examined.

86. I'm going to the bank.

87. I'm going to sleep.

88. I'm going over the edge.

89. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.

90. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.

91. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.

92. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.

93. I need to check into a rest home.

94. I'm breaking in my shoes.

95. I'm breaking up with my boyfriend.

96. I'm breaking out.

97. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.

98. I have to pick out a car.

Things I Have Learned While Living In The South

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in the South plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

'Fixinto' is one word.

There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backards and for'erds means 'I know everything about you.'

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

Sometimes you have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.

'Fix' is a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to the store.' I'm fixing dinner. (No, nobody broke dinner but I still have to fix it!)

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You know what a 'DAWG' is and the difference between "You dawg!" and "Where's the dawg."

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a state holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a little warm.'

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' Wal-martin' or off to 'Wally World or Wally-mart'.'

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: 'What kinda coke you want?'

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

Common Measurements are Pone, Peck, and Sackful.

An Overnight bag is a Wal-Mart sack.

We all own guns and are good shots. Most of them were passed down through the family.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.




Shower Head


Bra


Ventilated Toilet


Grandpa


Fashionista