Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts

More Thoughts on God


What do you say to a woman who spent her entire life doing right according to the Bible and the Church and what everyone says is the righteous life, and it all turns out for shit? What do you say to her after she spent her youth saving her virginity for marriage, while her mother poisoned every relationship she ever had, including with her friendships, and isolated her, using her as a personal servant and even taking her money she brought home from a job so that she couldn’t buy anything for herself? Now she’s old and never-married, never had sex, never had a life, and her mentally twisted and evil mother is dying, naturally taking this golden opportunity to lay a final blast of guilt and blame on her loyal and righteous Christian child before finally saying ‘goodbye’? What do you say to the child of an extreme narcissist who manipulated, controlled and ultimately destroyed her life so that now she is somewhere between middle-aged and elderly herself and yet has never lived at all? Do you tell her that God will bless her? Bless her when? Bless her how? What possible blessing could make up for the curse that has been her life, now effectively over?

What do you say to a man who spent his youth doing right according to the Bible and the Church, not having sex until marriage, only to find himself married to a manipulative, controlling and unloving woman who denies him sex at every turn simply because she sees how badly it hurts him? What do you say to a man who didn’t drink or smoke or do drugs with his friends because it was ‘wrong’ and now his life is a nightmare of manipulation and failure, while his wild partying friends are all doing well and living high, many of them rich and successful with reasonably happy marriages and families? What do you say to him after his own parents manipulated and controlled him, wrecking his life and sending him down a path he never had the slightest interest in or ability for? Do you tell him he obviously married a woman just like his mother? Do you tell him that God will bless him one day, far from today, in some way that we can’t even imagine because things look so black now that it is hard to see any hope of light? What do you tell a man whose entire life looks like one big curse?

What do you say to a man born into slavery, who never did a thing wrong to deserve such a fate, raised in slavery, praying all his life to be free, growing old as a slave and dying as a slave, never free to live and never truly alive? Do you tell him that God will reward him in some weird and useless way that is of no value to anyone? Do you promise him seven vestal virgins when he reaches Heaven?

What do you say to the people who grew up in homes where they were instructed to follow what is right according to the Church, only to spend their entire lives never living, who look back to realize that they were never blessed in any form or fashion? Do you tell them that they’ll just have to wait until they’re dead to see if God is going to do anything good for them? Do you promise them golden crowns in a heavenly world after they have turned to dust? Do you tell them to just keep waiting?

What do you say to a man filled with despair who opens the Bible and sees where it says that God created us all out of dust and then just left us here and went away? Do you tell him that we are to sit here and wait, knowing that for several thousand years no one has seen or heard any sign of God, but surely he’s coming back one day so we should continue to just sit here and wait our lives away staring at the Heavens?

What do you say to the man who has lost his faith? What do you say to the man with no hope?

Desitooted Driver

iPhone Jesus
Text me, my child

It's Friday and it's raining. I think this is a major crime against humanity. If it's going to rain, it should save it up for Monday and, if necessary, Tuesday and Wednesday. Even Thursday. 4 solid days of rain during the work week is better than raining on a Friday. I just think it's wrong. So, since I'm a Christian and all, I'm texting God to bitch about this.

"Dear Lord, please stop making it rain on Friday. This is totally unfair and it really pisses me off. I'm not saying I'm blaming YOU. Please don't strike me with lightning or have my mother sideswipe my car again. It's just that I know you could move the rain to Monday if you wanted to, so I thought I'd just ask if you'd do this for me, please. Amen. Oh, and also, that thing I said before about Jessica Biel still goes. If I could just have one shot, that's all I ask, just one shot, I'd be eternally grateful."

I realize there's nothing in the Bible about anyone texting God, and I can't tell you how much trouble it was to get his mobile number, but even so, I'm texting him like mad. Some people I know pray all the time. Some people text all the time. I combine the two. I even forward funny pictures and dirty jokes people send me to God. He hardly ever replies, but one time I got a holy "LOL" and it was the high point of my week. Oh, and one time he texted me a picture of Jesus doing "the shocker."

I'm going to traffic school tomorrow. I travel 400 miles each week through three Southern-American states and I pass through a lot of tiny little speed-trap towns along the way. So when I got a Barney Fife ticket for driving along in the middle of a herd of cars in rush hour and the cop said "you were just going the same speed as everyone else, weren't you?" as he proceeded to write me up anyway, I said, "fuck this shit, I'm not having this on my driving record."

Not to his face, of course.

So anyway, I signed up for traffic school. When I went to the tiny little courthouse to sign up, 'cuz you have to do it in person, I got into a conversation with the two black ladies who work there.

"Oh hun, I got a ticket just last week in the next town over. They're a bigger speed trap town than we are even. He said I was driving with my parking lights on and that made him madder than a pedophile. I said "whaaaat?? Madder than a pedophile? Are you crazy? That don' make no sense at all." And he got all up in my face. He was all red, you know. I think there was something wrong with him."

We talked there in that office for an hour. Those ladies had me laughing my ass off.

"We have a man livin' 'roun' here, he's about 80 and he fought in Vietnam or WWII or sumthin'. He gets ta drinkin' and then he gets caught drivin'. So he was tryin' ta tell me that he can't get no DUI ticket 'cause he weren't drivin'. He say, "I had me a desitooted driver." I said, "A what?" And he say, "A desitooted driver." You know what he mean, right, a designated driver? I never laughed so hard. That poor man. He's so old he can barely see."

I swear to you, I asked for something to write on so I could write that down. I want to get me a bumper sticker that says "Desitooted driver" and put it on my mom's car. I just love that.

"Yesterday," the woman started telling me, "we had a man all upset 'cause he gots a ticket for speedin' and he didn' like the officer. He said he felt that the officer "jupiterized" his life. He said "I was in fear 'cuz he done jupiterized my life." You know what he say, jeopardized his life? I say, "he done whaaaaat?" An' he say "he jupiterized my life." An' I laaaaaaaughed!"

I think those women have more fun at their jobs just because of the crazy people they deal with than anyone I know. They seemed to be having the best time when I went in there. I wish my job was as much fun as that.

So anyway, tomorrow is traffic school with people who claim to have had desitooted drivers or who have had their lives jupiterized. I'm hoping it's a lot of fun. After that, it's a big Halloween party. I'm going as Captain Morgan, the pirate on the rum bottle. I told my niece about it and she didn't seem too impressed.

"You're going as a guy on a bottle of rum?"

"Yeah, and I'm bringing the rum for the party, too, just to make sure they know who I am."

"What does your costume look like?"

"I have a big pirate hat and long hair and a mustache and goatee thing, the coat and poofy shirt. I've got two pistols to put in my belt just like he has. And I have a real sword."

"A real sword? Your costume came with a real sword?"

"No, I already had the sword."

"Oh, of course you did, because, I mean, who doesn't have a sword lying around, right?"

So, yeah, I'm going to Halloween as Captain Morgan. And yes, I have an authentic pirate-approved sword that I just happened to have lying around from a long, long time ago. Don't laugh. The costume is SO much cooler with the sword.

Captain Morgan rum
I'd like to put a little Captain in Jessica Biel


Talk With Funmi


Funmi Iyanda

Talk with Funmi is an exciting new project hosted by Funmi Iyanda. We'll be launching very soon both online and on tv so if you want to be kept up to date please register your details with us below.


Talk With Funmi

Funmi Iyanda is our own answer to Oprah Winfrey and I like her most for her noble charity and since I live and work for charity, I am happy to post on her.

God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things.

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Secret Treasures of the Heart

Secret Treasures of the Heart

I was heartbroken and forsaken
I was feeling helpless and hopeless
I fell down on my knees in distress
And I lifted up my hands to heaven.

When I had given up hope
You came and lifted me up.
When I thought all was lost
You showed me the secret treasures of my heart.

Then I saw my rescue angel
God sent to rescue me
You wonder how I could tell?
If only you could see what I see.

No matter how the wind blows
And no matter how the Mississippi River flows
Come rain or come shine
I know that all will be fine.


Releases displayed in Africa/Lagos time
18 Jun 2009
11:00
SIRIUS XM Radio Now Available on Apple App Store for iPhone and iPod Touch
11:00
Perfect World Announces Recent Business Developments
11:00
The Black Eyed Peas' The E.N.D. Enters the Billboard Top 200 Chart at #1
11:00
Art Science Research Laboratory Launches a New Astrobiology Magazine
10:30
Goldcool Games Join Shanda's 'Golden Land' to Cooperate in the Launch of In-House Developed Online Games
09:00
Blow on Your iPhone and Meet New People
08:00
Soufflez sur votre iPhone et faites des nouvelles rencontres
07:55
Comic-Con Book Begins Pre-Orders
07:39
Wide Applications and High Local Demand Make it the Most Opportune Time for LCD Panel Manufacturing in India, Says Frost & Sullivan
06:04
All-Star Comedy Lined Up for Premiere Edition of TBS PRESENTS A 'VERY FUNNY' FESTIVAL: JUST FOR LAUGHS, a Co-Production of Comedy Giants TBS and Montreal's Just For Laughs
05:01
DMC Children's Hospital of Michigan Ranked Among America's Best by U.S.News & World Report
05:01
Children's Hospital Boston Ranks First in Heart & Heart Surgery, Neurology & Neurosurgery and Orthopedics in the U.S. News Media Group's "America's Best Children's Hospitals" for 2009
02:31
The Richards Group Take Top Honors for Motel 6 Spot at 2009 Radio Mercury Awards
01:48
Discount Tickets Now On Sale for the CA Boom Design Show
00:43
Pretend City Children's Museum Set to Open August 2009 in Irvine
00:27
New Offerings Introduced Aboard Cunard's Queen Mary 2 in Celebration of Five-Year Canyon Ranch Partnership
17 Jun 2009
23:55
Torrid, the Destination for Plus Size Fashion, Partners With Regina Spektor to Host Nationwide Event
23:49
Jimi Hendrix Fan Pack on the way; Limited Edition Official 'Bootleg' Paris/Ottawa Live Bundled With 'Groovy' Collectibles Offers Consumers a Unique Live Experience
23:40
Don't Get Up - SureWest Caller ID on TV Feature Let's You Know Who's Calling
23:24
McGraw Hill Releases Microfinance for Bankers and Investors


My Queen Will Be 21 Tomorrow

The queen of my heart will be 21 tomorrow and I thank the Almighty God for her beautiful and wonderful life.

She my one and only First Lady and I call her by her initials QMC.
She is one in a million and only heaven knows how much I love her.


God, Adam, and Balls - from a comment I left on TKW's blog


I’ve always thought that just before God kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden, right after he told Eve that he was going to make childbirth suck for her, he pulled Adam aside and said “And you, you want to let her lead you around by your penis, do you? Allow me to give you something worse for her to lead you by” and then he made Adam’s testicles drop out of his abdomen where they damn well belonged, and just hang by nerves and skin, swinging like two exposed kidneys and just as sensitive to pain.

After God left, Adam said “I am fucked.” And it was not good.

For whatever reason, God chose not to include this important little detail in the Bible. Men for thousands of years have been asking “why why why?” only to get no answer. But you notice, even Jesus, with all they did to him, was never hurt down there. Apparently he was willing to go to the cross for us, but when it came to having his nuts bashed in and nailed to the cross like the Romans did to so many other men*, much like modern cops do with their Tasers, he said “no fucking way.”


Well OK, he probably didn't use those EXACT words.




* Yes, the Romans did on occasion actually nail men's genitals to the cross along with their hands and feet. I shit you not. We are becoming more like them every day.