It was a scene straight out of a pot boiler — the bride walking out just when it was time for the groom to tie the knot, saying no to a marriage fixed by her parents. In the film the hero would have appeared at that moment, giving a happy ending to the love saga. But for the bride in Kottayam, her lover didn’t turn up, and walking out was the final act of courage.
And such incidents are the fodder for many a case at the courts in the State. Girls seeking legal help to marry the person of their choice have become common in Kerala as religion and social status top the list of priorities for parents. Even the well-educated in the State maintain that choosing the partner for their children is their duty, something like picking a dress for them or deciding on their summer camp.
Times may have changed but the attitude of the majority of parents regarding the marriage of their son or daughter has not. And more than boys, it is girls who feel the pinch of this parental pressure even when they earn a hefty pay cheque and work in multinational companies. “I have made it clear that I will marry only a man I know well, but my parents are still checking every matrimonial site and reading all ‘bride wanted’ columns. I am sure they will find someone for me, a person whose horoscope, family, qualifications and looks match their expectations, not mine,” says Rakhi Ashok, a bank employee.
And sadly, Kerala is seeing a steady increase in the number of divorce cases and family disputes over the recent years. One reason why the Kerala State Women’s Commission recommended the raising of the minimum age limit of marriage of men and women to 28 and 25 from 21 and 18 respectively was that many girls are married off at a young age in Kerala. The Commission noted that girls are not always given a chance to voice their opinions, secure jobs and become self-reliant.
“My mother wants me to get married at the earliest, but I told her I would find the person. When they brought a proposal, I argued against the offer of dowry and gold, but they said, ‘if we can give it, why should they not take it?’ I was quite put off,” says Anila B, a trainee journalist.
And boys do feel that marriage is a topic that haunts even the most liberal parents and that there is no escape from it. Even when they are encouraged to find a partner on their own, invisible strings are always there to pull at the right moment. “I would prefer it to happen when it is destined to happen, and find someone and inform folks so that they could do the elderly talks needed. But since I am out of Kerala, it is not that easy to leave everything for destiny, so I am voluntarily putting effort now,” says Cherian Mathew, an IT professional based in Bengaluru.
Parents do have mixed opinions regarding this topic. While some put on the ‘it’s their life’ liberal tag, many do say they make decisions to ensure the best for their sons and daughters. And there is a section whose children are confident that parents can take a better decision in this regard.
“I have told my elder daughter that I would give her ample time to choose her partner. There won’t be any pressure from our part. But she says since all my decisions for her have been positive so far, she would be happy to let us do the match-making,” says Cynthia Vinod, mother of two. But not many girls would be as lucky as her daughters. And stories about ‘run away brides’ would keep coming to us.
